“After eight cardiac arrests, I just want peace in my heart.” Calvin
I grew up in Arizona and had a good childhood. We had nothing, but mom kept us warm and we had somewhere to stay. I had seven siblings and we went to school. My dream was to become a photographer. I took some classes for a year and a half, but I didn’t pursue it. Then I got married and we had a daughter when I was very young. Too young if I look back at it now… My wife was working at a bank and I had a job as a childcare assistant. I worked there for a decade. In the beginning, we had a good relationship but it got worse over the years. I was out too much partying on the weekends and you can’t do that when you have a child. We fought a lot during that period. So eventually we divorced.
I had a cocaine addiction for around five years, I think. You’re not keeping track of time when you’re an addict. You’re literally dying. You don’t care about cleaning, you don’t care about how you look and you don’t care about what you do. You’re going to end up in jail and institutions. And it’s much harder in jail because you can’t run from nobody there.
“You’re not keeping track of time when you’re an addict. You’re literally dying.”
At one point you got to have a desire to stop. In that world you see nothing. You got friends who say they want to help you. They don’t want to help you and they are not your friends. It’s like a pitch dark tunnel and you can’t see nothing in there.
I’ve been homeless for about two years now, moving back and forth between Los Angeles and San Francisco during that time. It’s just a lot of trouble and very dangerous being out on these streets. The hard part isn’t getting a job but to get housing. Since I don’t have a place to stay, I usually sleep in churches or shelters. So I got two spots that I can go to: a church called Providence and Mother Brown.
I don’t want to bother my daughter since she’s doing very well . She’s a supervisor and bought a house recently. When you’re young you want to live and experience life. It’s her life. As a parent, you don’t always know what’s right for your kids. You can’t live both your life and their lives. It’s impossible.
“I would like to work in tech, but I fear it a bit, coz I don’t know how emails work.”
Right now I’m working with catering. I make desserts and biscuits. I can’t lift heavy stuff or cook since I’ve had eight heart attacks. I’m on medication for that. I wish I had a more stable job and not just something seasonal. In the catering business you have a lot of money in the summer and then you have to save up. If I could choose a job for myself, I would work in tech, but I fear it a bit, coz I don’t know how emails work.
“I don’t want Government Assistance. That’s for somebody that needs more help than I do.”
I wish I could be like my father. He was a good man and worked two jobs. I can’t work two jobs because of my heart and I don’t want Government Assistance. That’s for somebody that needs more help than I do. Getting food stamps is something that you can barely survive on. You can’t buy clothes or pay rent with it .
These past two years have been hard. My mother passed away last year in October and my brother passed away this year. I didn’t go see my mother before she passed and that hurts me. It’s still hard for me to talk about. She was my best friend. So those two events were setbacks for me. It has been a real trial, but I’m trying to stay stable. I’m 62 years old now. I have changed. I wish to go to church every day. After so many cardiac arrests, I just want peace and tranquillity in my heart, you know?
Shared periodically on Medium, and soon to be published in a book, ‘Stories Behind the Fog’ is a compendium of 100 stories of people affected by homelessness in San Francisco. The project was triggered by one man’s story that will be released next year in the form of a feature-length documentary: www.mosesdoc.com
This story has been written by Fran Guijarro and photographed by Jonath Mathew in collaboration with our partner organization Mother Brown.
