“It’s so hard not having a home for your children.” Anonymous
My mother and I were always moving from one city to another, wherever there was a job — Richmond, Howard, Oakland, San Francisco… So many places, so many schools. We came to California from Mexico when I was seven years old. When I was 11, I found that my brother was on drugs, and that’s when I tried to kill myself. I took a lot of pills, but God gave me a second chance.
“I went to a shelter for domestic violence when I was 18.”
I’m 23 now. I had my daughter M. (8) when I was 15, and J. (6), one month before I turned 18. My kids’ father was older than me: I was 14 and he was 19. I was still in school when I got pregnant. Then, he started drinking and became violent. When he arrived at home, he hit the doors or broke the windows because I wouldn’t let him in when he was drunk. I left him and went to a shelter for domestic violence.
I was barely 18 years old. Little did I know this would be the first shelter of many more to come.
“I just couldn’t afford being a single mother of two in San Francisco.”
Then I rented an apartment with my mother. She was helping me financially, but not emotionally. Her support was just a roof over our heads. I had to put in a restraining order for my kids’ dad because he was still coming to create more trouble. He violated it and was deported. By that time, we were okay. Until my mom decided to go back to Mexico. That’s when everything started. The company where I worked closed, I became unemployed and had to leave the apartment. I stayed at different friends’ houses, but It was difficult with the kids. I went through different temporary jobs, but I just couldn’t afford being a single mother of two in San Francisco.
“My daughter was molested and my son ended in the hospital all bruised. It was too much for me.”
Despite the struggle, I decided to work and study, so I started college and the kids were in daycare. Everything went the wrong way. My daughter was molested by the man who was working there. I found out thanks to the bus driver. I reported it to the police, and he was arrested. The little one was taken care of by a lady who drank a lot. One day he came to me with bruises on his body and his face. Supposedly they were playing. I had him brought to the hospital. So I ended up losing my job and dropping out of college because I didn’t have a place where I could leave my kids. It was too much for me.
“I sent my kids back to Mexico and fell into a deep depression.”
I talked with my mom and I sent the children to Mexico. It was very painful. I got a job, but felt so lonely, you know? I fell into a deep depression. It was hard to keep going forward. I didn’t want to do anything, and I didn’t have enough money or a place to stay. Sometimes I stayed in friends’ places, other times I slept on the couch in the office.
Later on, I had the opportunity to go to Mexico to visit my kids. I thought that everything would be much better over there, but it wasn’t. People are very different when someone from here goes back there — I hadn’t been there in a long time, and I didn’t feel very welcome. I felt that my mother wasn’t very happy to see me either. And I didn’t like seeing my kids there; it’s a violent city in Mexico with a lot of poverty. Also, seeing them with my mom reminded me of my childhood and how she was with me, so I decided it would be better to bring them back with me to San Francisco, but the struggle continued.
We found a family shelter where you can stay just for the night, and we had to carry all of our stuff everywhere we went. In the shelter you never know with whom you’re going to sleep. There are people with mental problems and addictions — and you have to live with people that you don’t know at all. It’s stressful. And it’s not just me, I have to think about my kids and their safety first. It’s so hard not having a home for your children… They have lived through too many things already. You know, I can see them being a little bit more aggressive, more nervous, frustrated…they don’t have a place to call home. But despite that, they’re always very warm.
“We’ve found a temporary place at the Hamilton shelter. The kids love the playground area and the fact that they can play with other children.”
Now, we’ve found a place at the Hamilton shelter, where we can be for two months. The kids are happy there. They like the playground area and the fact that there are kids there to play with. I’m trying to figure out a plan for us. The kids start school in two months, and I don’t have any place where I can leave them — so the first thing is to get childcare. Here, everything takes a lot of time. So many documents and long processes, but without childcare, I can’t find a job.
I’d love to become a maternity nurse. I like taking care of people, it makes me feel better, and I think I have a lot of patience. I need a better job, a salary and something constant so that I can pay rent, support the kids and be a good example to them. I’ve been talking to different foundations that can cover parts of the studies, but obviously I have to pay the rest and I can’t right now. My biggest dream is to find a place for the three of us. A permanent place, and not having the fear of where to stay the next night. Somewhere where they can grow up and be safe — a home.
“I’m glad I didn’t kill myself. Because I wouldn’t be a mom now. And my kids are my biggest reason to keep moving forward.”
My advice would be directed to mothers: I would tell them to take care of their daughters. If my mother had given me a little bit more attention, maybe I wouldn’t have ended up like this. I always tell my daughter not to have children; the first thing she has to do is to study, and to look at our situation now so that she can learn and have a better life.
So yeah, I’ve been through a lot. But looking back, I’m glad I didn’t kill myself when I was 11. Because I wouldn’t be a mom now. And my kids are my biggest reason to keep going forward.
Shared periodically on Medium and soon to be published in a book, ‘Stories Behind The Fog’ is a compendium of 100 stories of people affected by homelessness in the San Francisco Bay Area. The project was triggered by one man’s story that will be released as a feature-length documentary: www.mosesdoc.com
The story has been written by Arjanna Van Der Plas and Fran Guijarro, and photographed by Juli López in collaboration with our partner organization Hamilton Families.
